Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
