a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
a search helicopter?!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
