The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
