How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
