saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
