I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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