Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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