He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Randomize
