I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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