How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
