i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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