My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
