At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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