I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
