I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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