I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fuck appropriateness.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
