apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
