I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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