Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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