This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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