OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
