you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
