Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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