I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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