Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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