Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
