If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you inspire me to be a worse person
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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