Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
