Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
