Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
