my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
