I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
