Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
