I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
