Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
