i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
