you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
