3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
