god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
