I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
PANTIES FOUND
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