Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
