I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
