She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
