I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How external is "for external use only"?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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