mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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