So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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