i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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