He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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