There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
