Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
