She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
