if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
