They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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