My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
