Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
