this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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