i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're a waste of cheezeits
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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