The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
